The Psychiatric Hotline The Atheist and the Bear
Como saber que eres mexicano. "Ticket Please" General  Motors vs Microsoft
Weird Theories Haiku The Ostrich and the Cat Deep Thoughts
A Fly in the Beer Subject: A Typical Woman and Man

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The Psychiatric Hotline

Thank you for your call to the Institute of Mental Health Hotline.

• If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

• If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

• If you suffer from multiple personality disorder, press 3, 4, 5 and 6

• If you are paranoid, we know who you are, what you've done and what you want. Please wait on the line while we trace the call.

• If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you what number to press.

• If you are depressed, it doesn't matter what button you press, no one will answer.

• If you suffer from amnesia, press 8 and recite in a loud voice, your name, address, phone number, drivers license number and your mother's maiden name.

• If you suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, press the # key slowly and repeatedly until someone feels sorry for you.

• If you suffer from indecision, press any number you like.

• If you suffer from loss of short-term memory, press 9.

• If you suffer from loss of short-term memory, press 9.

• If you suffer from loss of short-term memory, press 9.

• If you suffer from loss of short-term memory, press 9.

• If you suffer from low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are busy attending more important people.

Como saber que eres mexicano.

Sabes que eres mexicano porque:

• Crees que el jugo del limón cura casi todo.

• Crees que un traguito de tequila cura todo lo demás.

• Cuando viajas, llevas pequeñas latas de chiles.

• 'Mañana' significa: 'ahorita no', o 'nunca'.

• Si una boda es a las 8:00, llegas a las 10 y aun no hay nadie.

• Culpas al 'Popocatepetl' de la contaminación

• Culpas a los ricos del trafico

• Culpas a los pobres del crimen

• Culpas al PRI por casi todo lo demás

• Culpas a los 'pinches gringos' por todo el resto.

• Tienes mas fe en un asaltante que en un policía

• Tienes mas fe en el gobernador que en el presidente y mas fe en el presidente, que en tu esposo (a)

• 'Licenciado' es un nombre propio

• En la mesa de un restauran, hay mas celulares y beepers que platos con comida.

• Usas la expresión 'psssst' para llamar al mesero.....en un restauran de Nueva York

• Usas la palabra 'este' cuando hablas en ingles

• Comes tacos, enchiladas, morcilla, cochinita pibil, etc... pero crees que las hamburguesas no son saludables.

• Cuando alguien te dice 'te llamo luego'... das por un hecho que no será así

• Reportarte enfermo en Lunes es normal.

• A un mesero de 80 años le dices 'joven'...

• Gritas a los 4 vientos 'Como México no hay dos'...pero quisieras que fuera como San Antonio, Tx.

Solo en México

"Ticket Please"

Three managers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three managers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three managers. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The managers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The managers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the managers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed manager. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers. When they board the train the three managers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the managers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please".

General  Motors vs Microsoft

At a recent computer exposition (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release (by Mr. Welch himself). If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason and you would just accept this, restart, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning light would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

9. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor wanted them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.

11. GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

Weird Theories

A contest was held for the public to submit new theories on any subject. Below are the winners:

3rd RUNNER-UP: Bio-Mechanics

Why Yawning Is Contagious: Humans yawn to equalize the pressure on their eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.

2nd RUNNER-UP: Symbolic Logic

Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.

1st RUNNER-UP: Newtonian Mechanics

The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

GRAND PRIZE WINNER: Perpetual Motion

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats; the two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground. Using the giant buttered toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

Haiku

The Ostrich and the Cat

A bloke in Australia walks up to the bar with a big ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and says, "What'll it be?"

The man says," I'll have a pint" and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have a pint as well," says the ostrich.
Bloke looks at the cat, and says, "I suppose you want a drink too."
The cat replies, "I'll have a half, but I ain't fookin' payin'!"

So the barman pulls two and a half pints, and says, "That'll be three pounds forty, please." The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the barman's surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in change. A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the exact amount out of the same pocket.

The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. "I'll have a pint," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich, and the cat orders up a half... "But I ain't fookin' payin'!" Repeat of yesterday. The bloke pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket. This becomes almost a regular routine until, late one evening, the trio enters again.

"The same?" asks the barman.
"Well," says the man, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large scotch."
He turns to the ostrich inquiringly. The bird says, "I'll have a large scotch as well." The cat says, "I'll have a small scotch... but I ain't fookin' payin'!"

The barman rings up the drinks and turns, with a sly grin, "That'll be seven pounds twenty, please." To his amazement, the man pulls the exact seven-twenty out of his pocket. As the trio is finishing their drinks, the barman can't contain his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there's something I must know. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket... every time?"

"Well," says the man, "it's a long story. But basically, several years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes."

"That's fantastic," says the barkeep. "What did you wish for?"

"Well, if I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there."

"That's brilliant," says the barman. "Most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live."

"That's right, whether it's a quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!"

As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, "One last thing, sir...err, your friends there...we don't get many cats or ostriches drinkin' in 'ere...?"

The man looks glum. "Yes, I know. That's probably the worst thing I ever did, but I'm stuck with 'em. You see, for my second wish from the genie, I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

Deep Thoughts

• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

• On the other hand, you have different fingers.

• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

• Drink till she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

• The cream rises to the top but so does the scum.

• Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

• I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

• If Barbie is so popular, why do we have to buy her friends?

• Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

• Quantum mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of.

• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

• Evangelists: the pro wrestlers of religion.

• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

• If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

• Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

• 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

• When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

• If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

• Who is General Failure and why is reading my hard disk?

• I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

• I used to have a open mind but my brains kept falling out.

• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

• How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

• Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them.

• Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

• For sale: parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

• Ok, so what's the speed of dark?

• Black holes are where god divided by zero.

• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

• I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

• The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

• 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

• If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the a air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

A Fly in the Beer

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

Subject: A Typical Woman and Man

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine.

He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see. ... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the rats.

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their .... ''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud. "What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . . I feel so . . ." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechs he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"